I'm not sure why but nights are probably the hardest. Its probably because I have been thinking all day, every day. I know that my blog is just a way for me to share my honest feelings and hope that I can remember this journey. I hope that my story can help someone else who is having a difficult time. I know that I have to be strong and endure. In all honesty, it's a day to day battle, but I am determined to smile through the tears.
I heard this quote today-
YOU CAN LISTEN TO YOUR MIND,
BUT YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART!
That is exactly why I blog and why I share from my heart. I don't want anyone to feel sad and lose hope. If anything I want others to appreciate WHAT they have. I was talking to a friend today. She has spent a lot of time with Ty and I at our home. She witnessed how Ty LOVED to make fun of me. This was something he loved to do. He loved to make fun of the fact that I'm not a cook. Well, I can but not like some women. I am great with basic dishes. PS- I am seriously thinking of taking cooking classes.
My friend mentioned to me that I am so lucky to have had Tyler. That he adored me and just was always doing and taking care of me and we had a strong bond. She said she had a friend who had NEVER found that love and adoration in this life. It made me think. I have thought about what she said ALL night now. Yes, I consider the blessing of having this HUGE. I smile because it happened. I do consider this a blessing. Too often, it's easy to not appreciate what you have.
If you know me, I am not one to feel sorry for myself. I can't and I won't. I am always going to look at the positive and right now, I am just realizing more than ever... how having Ty in my life enriched and helped me to become the person I am today. I can be sad, but I am thankful he is no longer suffering. I have to be thankful, even though I want him here. I know life can change in an instant. Ty and I were actually quite different and we each complimented and helped each other to look at things differently.
Since I needed to figure out and do our bills, I got on Ty's computer to figure it all out. Imagine my surprise when I found countless photos and videos that I had sent him. Ty had also "borrowed" others off of social media. I was so touched to watch my personal videos to him telling him to NEVER GIVE UP and how much I loved him. I had no idea he kept them. They were on his computer and he never mentioned them to me. I figured he hated all the photos and videos I would send him. Little did I know he was saving them. He had so many photos of me and the kids on his computer that I can never doubt how much he loved all of us.
This weekend, I had to face reality. I needed to pay bills and go through so many papers. I want to tell each of you this- DON'T do what we did. I have never done any of our finances- ever! Ty never let me do ONE bill or take care of anything with our personal finances. This was doing as Ty's way to love and take care of me. I knew nothing really. I am now trying to figure it all out alone with Devan's help too. THANKFULLY, he was somewhat organized, but I am lost in many regards. I decided to use this as a lesson to myself that I can and will do this. I am determined to not only do these things, but I want to excel and keep my chin up along the way.
I even went to the grocery store for the first time today. I had visited his grave and then realized I had no milk in the house. I needed food for the boys too. I walked in and forgot I had on house slippers (yes, gold sparkly air walks!). I got the basics and found myself crying in the frozen food section. I was in and out so fast because I got emotional for NO REASON but that I was in the store. Yes, I have NO IDEA why I did this. Again, it's okay and I was actually proud of myself for going to the store in the first place.
My brother in law called me today and wanted to check on me. He had NO idea how much talking to him helped lift my spirit. I don't know what I would do without Ty's family close by. They are loving and encouraging me to be strong. It's really the little things that mean so much. Bret lost his girlfriend a few years ago. He loved her and he shared the profound loss that he had felt when she died with me and that he understood. It was a instant "understanding" and I appreciated this reminder.
I want to thank everyone who is texting and emailing me. I am not really in a place to respond right now. I check my computer maybe once a day if I'm up to it. I am doing a lot of "time out" for my soul. I am trying to be 100% present with my kids. They need me to be strong for them. I want the kids to be proud of their mom and to know that I will be okay. They keep asking me if I'm okay. I tell them that "I'm as okay as OKAY can be right now and it's all going to be okay." I have faith in God and this is what really keeps me going right now. I don't question his love or WHY... I just know that it's all somehow going to be okay. I have no doubt that Ty is going to be watching over us.
I recount a talk that was given by Marvin J. Ashton- I think of it everyday as I face the days without Tyler... "IF THOU ENDURE IT WELL."
He said, "Our challenge is to endure. There will always be testing and trials along life's path. Heartaches and tragedies need not defeat us if we remember God's promise. A worthwhile attitude for all of us could well be, "HELP us, O Lord to remember thy love for us and help us to be fortified by thy strength when our eyes are blurred with tears of sorrow and our vision is limited."
